Painful Protection

1 shot in the left leg, 2 in the right...

So, yesterday my baby got her 2-month shots.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced.  To see my baby’s gorgeous smile.... turn to a frown, and then to a cry… looking into my eyes with this hurt look, like I had completely betrayed her, on her tiny precious face… I am about to cry again now just remembering the moment.

The thing is, we spent so long trying to conceive.  Then, I treated my body like a balloon for my entire pregnancy; too fragile to do too much with such an angel growing inside.  Then, she arrived - more perfect than I could have ever imagined.  And I cannot STAND to see her hurting.  I just want to keep her from any pain!

And then I realize the sad, awful truth.  This is just the first of many hurts that she will feel.  The first of many times that I will try to hug and kiss away the pain.  And I allowed it!!  I could have easily not made her have them, right?

No, WRONG.  These are to protect her from being more seriously hurt (by illness and possibly fatal diseases).  So, this was for her own good.  It got me to thinking about other times I may have to let my baby hurt so that she will be better for it in the future.  I mean, it’s true – we learn from pain.  You touch a hot frying pan once, and I’ll bet you never reach for it again without checking to make sure it isn’t hot.  That’s how we protect ourselves.  But then again, I would never allow my baby to touch a frying pan if I knew what she was doing.

Just like I won’t want her to make friends with people who can hurt her heart, and I won’t want her to have boyfriends who could break it.  Can’t she just stay this little forever??  She is completely precious, and (excluding the shots from yesterday) completely innocent of pain, in all of its forms.

This being a Mommy business is heartbreaking.  I just think of how I could possibly nurture, guide, protect, and love this little being with all my heart.  I know that I can do that much – I already am!  But, when I imagine how I am to cultivate all the values, morals, and ethics that will make her into a good person… the thought scares me to death, honestly.

But, we were blessed with this beautiful being.  It is up to us to help mold her into the best possible person she can be. And I absolutely thank God for entrusting me with such an amazing task. 

Now, I'm not a very serious person.  Most of the time when there's a serious moment, I have to ruin it with, *ahem* break the tension with a joke or something to make people laugh.  So, you can imagine my surprise when I have a totally serious series of thoughts.  Like the overall cloaking of my daughter's heart and body.  So, I'll just end with this -- does anyone know if it's legal to keep your children locked inside your home?  Hey, she would be protected.  (Please note:  I said protected, not overprotected.  Maybe I do belong in a nut house.)

Well, she is still able to put a smile on her face...
So, maybe she will survive, after all.  :)

New Mommy Top-Ten List

You Know You Just Gave Birth to Your First-Born because…

#10:  Your newest (and possibly only) accessory is now a burp cloth.

#9:  You have become super skilled at multi-tasking, like breastfeeding while texting, doing dishes, or making the bed.  You are definitely the only person you know who breastfed while putting on make-up this morning. 

#8: You’re absolutely amazed that you even had the energy to put on that make-up this morning.  And were it not for the fact that you are going somewhere to see important people today, you would’ve considered it a lost cause.

#7: You’re no longer sure that a world exists outside of your baby’s room, much less your house.  And because no world exists, you realize it would be a wasted attempt to post on your blog.

#6: You suddenly find yourself driving a minivan because they’re safe and family-friendly, when all you ever wanted before was a tiny car that looked “cool” and got great gas mileage so that you could road-trip whenever you felt like it (or wait, was that just me??). 

#5: Every time you get in that minivan, you have to take so much stuff that it feels like you’re moving (even if you’re just going down the road for a couple of hours!).   Hey, you never know when the little one is going to explode out of the diaper… all over your friends’ couch.  So, you learn to take extra-extra clothes and how to apologize profusely.  (I’m so sorry, Christine and Evan… I hope she didn’t ruin your loveseat!)

#4: The best thing that has happened to you since your baby was born was fitting into a pair of non-maternity pants.  Granted, it took 7 weeks and said pants would have caused you to gag if you’d fit into them before pregnancy because they were your “fat” pants.  But now, hooray!  They don’t have to have the stretchy belly band!!

#3: You encourage watching sad movies because then at least you won’t look like a blubbering idiot when you tear up, like you suddenly do at every corny, sappy commercial.  And now, the amount of time you have to watch television and movies is actually less than the length of most commercials.

#2:  You suddenly have to have a camera phone, digital camera, video camera, and mini digital camera with you all the time because you know that the new little bundle is going to do something just phenomenally adorable… like wake up.

#1:  You know your baby is the most beautiful being on the entire planet.  And you’ve seen George Strait, Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum, and Jake Gyllenhaal… without shirts. Ha, ha!

Happy January, everyone!  Natalie is now 8 weeks old!!

The Ever-Elusive Route to Family…

We really did have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. And, I think I had a decent excuse for not posting for the last 2 weeks - I finally really went into labor on the 18^th.

Clearly, this is between contractions... lol
But, really - an exciting moment!

It is now December 1^st, meaning that I had a baby last month.  Okay, our blessing was born on November 19, and she is now 12 days old.  Almost exactly, at the time of this post.  She was born at 12:53 pm.  And in a way that I had honestly come to think would never happen – from me. 

She's perfect... Aw.

She is the perfect combination of my husband and I.  Taylor (the hubs) says that she got the best parts of each of us.  I don’t know if that’s true, but our features mixed together on her little body do seem quite perfect.  And she can do things that I never imagined a newborn can do.  She can smile and coo (okay, so I knew they could do that; although I thought it was always just gas – she does it in response to our voices), she can copy our expressions (including sticking her tongue out – so funny!), and she can make me want to laugh and cry and sing all at the same time.

And then there were 3... :)

I’ve come to the conclusion that many people take their children for granted.  For some, it was as easy as granted, and still others - easier! - little accidents turned surprises.  (You know the difference between an accident and a surprise?  An accident is something that you would change if you had it to do over again.  Therefore, all "accidents" should be viewed as amazing surprises!)  I know that there are many people who say that once you have your child, you can’t imagine your life without them.  For me, I just feel like she’s been here for a lot longer than she has (at the same time as hardly being able to believe that she is already almost 2 weeks old!).  For me though, it’s not about imagining my life without her.  I did that.  I went through a time where I had to imagine a life without her – a life in which my husband and I could not ever have the joy that comes from having a beautiful child to call our own.  So for me, it’s not so much that feeling of not being able to imagine life without them as it is that I could never have imagined how much bigger my heart feels, how much fuller my life is – just because she is in it.

Sprinkled with rose petals from one of the
roses her daddy gave me.

People who have never had to experience the torture of infertility may not understand where I am coming from.  I’ve kind of thought about it as an analogy:  you hear about all these people going to Australia.  You hear it’s an awesome place to go and visit.  You listen in awe at the stories people share of their trials and triumphs once they get to Australia.  You hear people talk about how easy it is to get there.  Some people simply say they plan to visit and bam!  They’re there.  Like there’s some secret back door from where we are that magically opens for some people to get there.  They don’t have to spend any time or money getting there (of course, once you’re there, no matter how you got there – there are expenses, but I’m talking about getting there).   These people have no idea how difficult the journey can be for others.  I don’t begrudge them the happiness they get, but I won’t lie and say it doesn’t encourage a twinge of jealousy and sometimes even, heartbreak for those who can't find that easy passage.

Anyway, next there are those who have to work a little harder – those that have to plan and schedule and buy plane tickets and arrange and re-arrange flights and connectors.  For these, it is a bit more frustrating.  It takes a little more time.  It takes a little more expense.  But, they get there.  And because it is a different trek, these are the people who experience the trip quite differently than the previous crowd.  (For example, these people may go through a round of infertility or may choose adoption.)  But still, they get to Australia and get there without too many interruptions or heartaches. 

Then, there’s a third group of people - people like us, I think.  And maybe I’m being a tad melodramatic, but it’s my blog, and therefore my prerogative.  But, the final group (that actually make it to Australia) are those that travel by boat.  This is a long, hard journey.  It has dips, twists, and turns.  Sometimes, you even have to go back and start over at the beginning.  (Adoptions fall through, foster children go back to birth parents, infertility treatments that appear to succeed result in miscarriages, etc.)  Those that have experienced these things – they are the ones who know my journey.  But alas, as I look into the eyes of my newborn baby girl… who already has the most awesome unconditional love, both from me and for me… I know – I have made it to Australia.

I'm sure that I am still an over-emotional wreck from my recent delivery (and my lack of sleep, of course), but I know that my husband and I are lucky, and we couldn’t love her more if this love bursting from us were on purpose.  But, you can’t control it.  It’s almost as if you didn’t even know that the place they fill in your heart existed.  I think I got a glimpse of it during pregnancy.  Well, looking back, I know I did – I loved her before I met her.  But I didn’t know how deep that place in my heart ran… not until the first moment that they held her up over the sheet, and I got to lay my unworthy eyes on her.

She... is our miracle.